Since my divorce I have met a few men. I can say each has given me a little bit of a different perspective on my own situation by my lending an ear and listening to their stories. As well, they have each shown me what I would and would not want in my next relationship. When you speak to men who have been divorced you get a perspective that's a bit scary and crazy all together. You see a rage they have towards their ex-wives that makes one feel uneasy and a bit scared to even venture into another relationship. You wonder what if he views me that way after a few years of marriage? I am determined to take my time and if it's in my cards be with a man my wish is he be worthy in Gods eyes to spend eternity with me. If not, well I'll be very sad, but I'll accept it's as Gods will. No one, man or woman, should ever just settle simple to avoid being alone.
I was brought up in what some would call a traditional household. Man aka Patriarch aka head of household worked to provide for the family. Mother was managing the inner workings of the home tending to the home, children and husbands needs. The mother always represented the nurturer of the family. Not much can be debated that most mothers are the cement that holds the foundation (husband). We support our husbands in all that they do and in the decisions that they make in the best interest of the family. With that said my own mother was a very independent and strong woman. She wouldn't put up with crap that's for sure. I came out to be in the middle. I'm very tolerant yet independent. Hit the wrong button with me... then watch out! All kidding aside I am a very strong believer in the following biblical verse shown below.
"Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all
things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. But I would have you know, that the head of
every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of
Christ is God." 1 Corinthians 2-3
Why you ask? After everything I've been through with my past marriage why would I even tolerate such a ridiculous verse. It's because I have faith that if we each obey our Heavenly Father that we will have eternal happiness. Sure I fulfilled the obedient wife from the outside. I tended to my husbands and children's every need, cooked, cleaned, did homework, threw parties, and everything else that fell under the role of a wife. Inside though I was boiling... angry... frustrated... confused... did I say angry. For years I felt that everything I did went unappreciated. First affection/intimacy faded and for someone who is extremely affectionate and intimate it was complete torture. Never was there a thank you for all that I did to sacrifice for my family. My ex-husband never thought out of the box like planning a surprise getaway to show his appreciation. Actually that was always me planning those things. He never acted as the Patriarch of the family nor did he lead our family spiritually. Years into the marriage I was like a hypnotized robot just going through the motions in my life. Lacking love and intimacy was taking it's tool, but I figured this is what God intended for me then so be in for better or for worse I will make this work.
After being divorce for a short period of time I became more and more aware of how my marriage evolved from being married to someone who I loved and sacrificed for to thinking I was nothing more then a workhouse pulling the load day after day. I quickly could see that in the grand scope of things he succeed in getting into my inner most self and manipulated the dickens out of me. He made me feel worthless and unloved. Marriage takes two and when you go through a rough patch your spouse should be able (and with love) carry your load till that time passes. Marriage = partnership.
“She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou
canst desire are not to be compared unto her.” Proverbs 3:15
I LOVE the verse above! When you look at your wife in this way you will see her for her worth, and through her actions you will see a wife that is worthy in Gods eyes. Your wife is the most precious human relationship you are going to have in your lifetime and beyond. She is the mother of your children (yes even when you're divorced).
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the
church, and gave himself for it.” Ephesians 5:20
Gee do you see manipulate the dickens out of your wife in that line?? No! Go figure yet so many men have stooped to this level. Now lets be fair women are amazing manipulators because we've got it down to a science. We have ways of using even our assets to get what we want from our man. Come on ladies you know when you wanted that new diamond pendant you gave him a little something "extra" so you could secure getting it. But the majority of us are doing it out of love. We whisper sweet nothings in our hubby's ears, or we put on that dress we know drives him wild just so we can put him in that vulnerable position to bend and flex a bit more to our needs. Nothing wrong with that it's simply innocent and out of true love for our man. A happy wife is a happy home... trust me when I say this!
Having come from a traditional background where the husband is clearly the Patriarch of the family I can say that yes there is a distinct difference between traditional households and coercive controlling situations.
- Traditional households the husband respects his wife and included her in all decision making. However when his wife says that she trust him to make the right decision and she is unclear on what to decide he is man enough to make a decision based on what is best for the entire family. The wife therefore shows her support in his decision as she left it to him to decide.
- In a coercive control situation the husband uses manipulation in a cunning way to get what he wants out of his wife even if this resorts to verbal or physical abuse. Typically it will start out early in the years with little things and as the wife becomes more use to this behavior from her husband he amps it up more with each passing year.
- Traditional households though in a Patriarchal set up the husband and wife are equal in the relationship and have equal respect for each others views and ideas. They have open discussion and even debate leaving the table fulfilled that it was constructive and they each were respected for their views. They will go to each other to seek opinion and guidance on a subject. There is respect.
- In a coercive control situation the husband has no respect for his wife's opinion or views and in a very narcissistic way seeing his view as the only viable option manipulates, degrades, and uses her weaknesses to further his agenda. My view is he is so self absorbed he really has no true love for his wife - instead he degrades her to prop himself and his ideas as the only viable options. She naturally caves as she has learned from past experience it's a losing battle.
Let's throw kids in the mix and this get's entirely more complex. Suddenly the children become the tool of manipulation in the Coercive control situation. In the end the man who is in the coercive control situation is weak. He has no leg to stand on and is threatened by the woman he is with because she is far more capable. He knows this and this gets under his skin because each time she succeeds it's another reminder of how weak he is. So what he does is degrade, humiliate, devalue, abuse (verbally, physically), and starts to isolate her from her family and friends. This in the end makes him feel empowered.
In conclusion I would like to say that even though I was in a very toxic relationship for years I learned so much from the experience. I've learned from those around me as well who I listen to (women and men) telling me their stories. I want to walk my life with my eyes open and not be blind to the reality of what is, and that is men and women view their situations completely differently. Though it's hard I think we each need to put ourselves in the others shoes and see it from their perspective. Clearly some are truly blinded as they are convinced (such as my ex) they had a harmonious marriage and there was no toxicity/dysfunction to the relationship at all. Take off your blinders and have accountability for your actions.
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