The holidays always present a difficult and emotional time...

It's difficult being a single parent. Put on top of that being a single parent with a huge amount of drama going on which at times can become unbearable. For most this time of the year brings joy and happiness to the mind, but for others it's only a reminder of how complicated our lives have become. Moreover how empty our hearts are knowing that we struggle to keep hold of our own children. That we are in a fight that seems never ending and that we can't seem to find the end of our struggle. Add to all this the fact that I have a broken home. The holidays are a constant reminder to me that I do not have a husband and my family is no longer complete. I feel incomplete... I know no other way to describe it. Certainly I do not miss him one bit but it seems odd to be without a companion... seems so unnatural.

It's easy to get emotional during the holidays. Emotions run through me like a wild river beating at the banks of my heart. Missing the children terribly wondering if they have eaten enough, if they have had good wholesome company, and if they remember the memories of home. We know they do but we worry. That's what a parent does... we worry for our children. A mothers bond with her children is different. Her bond is one that can't be written in words nor can it be explained. It's a complex feeling and runs deep in her veins.

It hasn't gotten easier, no it hasn't. Year after year it just seems to be as unbearable as it was before. Asking myself how did this all happen?... when did this all get so out of hand?... how can I find peace with this situation? Someone said to me recently I have to put away the anger and treat their father with kindness. Though this seems so ideal how can you do this when the other person does not return the same respect to you? One must wonder do you ever get over the anger? Can you move on to a new relationship still hanging on to this anger that festers in you?

It has taken months of prayer and meditation for me to get to a place where I feel somewhat content with leaving things in Gods hands. However I continue to have anger about what is happening to the children. I am angry that their father does not see the damage he is doing to the children in his desire to get back at me. How does one get over the anger when there is still anger festering from the other who at one time both had love for each other?

It's complicated.